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Deviously Litt. by imapoopie

Jamie by stevepr56

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Submitted on
December 3, 2010
File Size
948 bytes


17 (who?)

I've seen fearless men,
Take to the streets for what they believe.
But what courage is that?
And to you I see strength and bravery.
For you left the safety of your home,
Venturing beyond the sea.
To a battle far away.
Against violent men for silly gain.
Endlessly you stand for freedom,
You push through the blood shed.
For our greater good.
You are the reason,
We can hold our heads high.
You are the reason we can reach for the sky.
You've given us hope, and strength.
To protect the land we stand upon,
As you fight for it on foreign soil.
Thanks to your selflessness.
So I can confidently say,
I'm proud to be an American.

Snow fall may not reach you this Christmas,
But it's my prayer that our love always will.

I think you all know why I posted this,
Another version of my poem for our Troops. (Awesomely enough, my mom came back with a box of cards, so if I'm lucky I'll be able to send more then just one card! and I strongly encourage each and everyone of you to send at least ONE card this Christmas to our selfless troops, be you agree with the reason they are over there or not. They are fighting for OUR Country.

Entered in [link] 'Literature category.'

I must send a special thanks to :icond-murasai: for his honest critique on this piece and also 'To the Soldiers' [link] It had helped a lot.

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D-Murasai Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010
A good improvement, feels even more sincere than the first run through, and also, to me, really imparts that sense of purpose. Very good.

There is a detail or two I'd pick at, because there's always a detail or two I pick at.

The repeated To's, three of them in a row is a tad bit jarring in the flow, I would suggest something like
"Venturing.....To a battle...Against violent men.." as alternative ways to start those lines? Your choice of course.

Towards the end, the line "well you fight for it another way," seems slightly out of place, I'm not sure how, partially flow I think, partially that I'm not clear on just what the line means so I'm slowing as I read to figure it out, reread.

I love that in the poem you say You are the reason instead of you're, I think that has such a different feel and the poem is much better for it, but why not have it in the title as well?

I liked the first one, but this one is a great improvement, well done!
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
    Thank you.
    If it wasn't for the details to be picked on, there'd be no real point in critiquing a piece, now would there? And I've taken your advance into consideration and have made those small changes, and I must agree that it does make it sound much better.

    As for the ' well you fight for it another way' did sound a bit off, but at the time I couldn't think of a better way to put how I felt, a line that struck me now is
    ' You've given us hope, and strength,
    To protect the land we stand upon,
    As you fight for us on foreign soil,'

    It does have a better ring to it then the other line.

    That's another good point, I didn't even think about how I put the title of this poem, thanks for pointing that out to me.

    I'm very glad you think this piece is an improvement, that really means a lot that you think so. (As strange as that sounds sense I don't know you.) Your honesty has meant a lot, and I know a Soldier will love this piece, because of the honesty you shared and with me to better improve it. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
D-Murasai Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010
You are very welcome, I'm glad it was helpful, that gives me purpose.
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
A very good purpose at that. ^^
ASimpleArtLover Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010
oh my gosh. this is so nice!
sAMMIDAwOLF Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010
HolyCross9 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2010
stevepr56 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Outstanding!! they're going to love this.
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm hoping so. :)
stevepr56 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
As promised I asked my brother, to pray for yours plus I took the opportunity and sent a prayer request to the Kenneth Copeland Ministries to do the same.
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