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September 12, 2012
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    Topaz
    Rare blue butterfly wings flickering, between our little girl's elegant cornflower gloved hands, her husky colored eyes greet the ocean's tide. Cardinals singing their morning chorus, with your Tsailes' soft melodies filling the woods, where bubbling brooks groan in the foreground. Butterscotch melting on my burning lips, your kiss Honeycomb sweetness embracing my tongue, you entwine Hot, soothing peach tea sliding down my throat, you slide. Intimate fingers through buffalo hair, your chest Reckless abandon grasped within your kisses, my breast Breathless confessions as our hips join as one. You're a constant volcano of rock and ash, With my lava continually erupting inside you. Your colors and mine fuse into precious jewels.

Got first place in :iconsilverinkblot:'s Color poem contest.

This whole piece is an intimate version of a color poem, Topaz can be one of two colors. A light colored sky blue or an almost ember/butterscotch looking color. So I kind of fused the two in here.

The line 'your Tsailesí soft melodies filling the woods'
is referring to the 'Tsailes boy Native American flute.'
Which is crafted by the Navajo Indians (and I'd love to have one).
Just to clarify that to anyone who was confused by that line.

Color poem rules:
The rules are simple.
Line 1 - Your color
Lines 2, 3, 4 - things your color looks like
Lines 5, 6, 7 - things your color sounds like
Lines 8, 9, 10 - things your color tastes like
Lines 11, 12, 13 - things your color feels like
Line 14 - sum it all up.


My other Color poems:
Sapphire
Ruby


Critiques/comments welcome.


Submiited into :icondaily-lit-deviations:'s new color contest [link]


| Rights belong to me: |
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:iconsilverinkblot:
I really enjoy the third stanza a lot - you really nailed the taste sensations here. The movement from butterscotch to honey to peach is really smooth and the flavors just punch. Not that the rest is lacking at all, but those three lines really stood out to me.

I'd say the weakest part is the first stanza, which is a bit of a problem since it is right at the beginning; it's not the best hook in. That's remedied quickly of course, but it's worth consideration. The other senses are very strong, so the sight related imagery looks even weaker by comparison.

I like that you separated the stanzas they way you did; each sense of the form stands on its own merits. I know mine tend to run together, so it was neat to see them so neatly organized like this.

The brief erotic touches are really nice too, and are hardly in the poem save near the end. I like that a lot; I like that the romance builds to something.

The only other nitpick is that I think maybe the blue topaz could have been a touch stronger. The colors are mostly equal, and I think it goes back to that first stanza not having quite the same impact. Since that stanza deals with blue, the blue impact overall is a little dulled. The gold comes through fantastically though; I'd just work on the opening really :D Everything else is pretty fantastic.
What do you think?
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know I've featured this piece in my 2012 showcase of 100 pieces of literature: [link] :D
Reply
:iconchristianonfire7:
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much.
I may hopefully do a major feature like it before the end of the year. (that may take awhile though XD)
Have a great new year.
Reply
:iconnamenotrequired:
namenotrequired Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Student Interface Designer
Congrats on your place in the contest :party: I featured it on #communityrelations in What's Going On?? :)
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:iconchristianonfire7:
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you Bart! :hug:
Reply
:iconnamenotrequired:
namenotrequired Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Student Interface Designer
:hug:
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Congratulations on a beautiful piece and on winning 1st place in =SilverInkblot's Color Poem Contest! :clap:
Reply
:iconchristianonfire7:
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so very much, I'm truly honored. :D
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:icon4givenbyhim:
4givenbyHIM Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I'M AS PROUD AS A CYBER-POP COULD BE!!!! :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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:iconchristianonfire7:
Christianonfire7 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks Ken. :cuddle:
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Many congratulations! A wonderful idea and beautiful, beautiful words. It is unutterably flattering that =SilverInkblot was "fighting" herself over your poem and mine. I would say your piece is in an entirely different class. Definitely a worthy winner ^^
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