Sta.sh
Topaz
Rare blue butterfly wings flickering, between
our little girl's elegant cornflower gloved hands, her
husky colored eyes greet the ocean's tide.
Cardinals singing their morning chorus, with
your Tsailes' soft melodies filling the woods, where
bubbling brooks groan in the foreground.
Butterscotch melting on my burning lips, your kiss
Honeycomb sweetness embracing my tongue, you entwine
Hot, soothing peach tea sliding down my throat, you slide.
Intimate fingers through buffalo hair, your chest
Reckless abandon grasped within your kisses, my breast
Breathless confessions as our hips join as one.
You're a constant volcano of rock and ash,
With my lava continually erupting inside you.
Your colors and mine fuse into precious jewels.
I featured it on #
I'd say the weakest part is the first stanza, which is a bit of a problem since it is right at the beginning; it's not the best hook in. That's remedied quickly of course, but it's worth consideration. The other senses are very strong, so the sight related imagery looks even weaker by comparison.
I like that you separated the stanzas they way you did; each sense of the form stands on its own merits. I know mine tend to run together, so it was neat to see them so neatly organized like this.
The brief erotic touches are really nice too, and are hardly in the poem save near the end. I like that a lot; I like that the romance builds to something.
The only other nitpick is that I think maybe the blue topaz could have been a touch stronger. The colors are mostly equal, and I think it goes back to that first stanza not having quite the same impact. Since that stanza deals with blue, the blue impact overall is a little dulled. The gold comes through fantastically though; I'd just work on the opening really
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