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- The ride had gone down hill for the past hour and after a sharp wind in the path left behind a thick coverage of bushes, formed a binding that stretched around at least a hundred feet. Sir Michael halted the steed and dismounted, I dismounted and crouched behind a bush as he disappeared to hide the horse, when he returned to my side he motioned to the right before he headed that way. I followed him silently for fifteen minutes. We reached an area that ditched off to a small stream, along the bank on the other side we could see multiple foot and hoof prints. All fresh. I paused as a rustle of bushes came from the far side of the area; we quickly crouched and hid behind a row of bushes just as a pair of soldiers stalked from the trees, one of them guiding a stall black horse. Sleet. "That's the Prince's horse." I whispered under my breath, my eyes fixed on the black steed. In my row of thinking of a plan to save Gabriel I totally forgot about our horses. "I think I have an idea now." We watched as the soldiers allowed Sleet a fill of water, their conversation was too absent to really try to follow. Within minutes they turned back around and led the horse back through the trees. "If we can steal back my horse and the Prince's then we might have an easier chance with the get away." I glanced sidelong at Sir Michael to meet his gaze. "Their camp must be just beyond those trees on the other side, if we can spy out the camp we should get an idea of how hard it'll be." He nodded. Together we looped around along the bushes another fifty feet; there we dashed across the shallow stream to another row of thickets. We slipped inside them and crouched down. Peeking through the thicket we saw the small army in a clearing. I counted at least forty armed soldiers in the center of the clearing. Along the far back of the clearing a carrel enclosed the horses. In the midst of the cluster of soldiers set Gabriel with his hands bound behind his back, his eyes were on his boots. At the sight of him a renown surge of anger shot through me. Narrowing my eyes I glared at them. "We'll loop around to the far side near the horses, we'll wait until night fall to make our move." Silently I carefully made my way through the bushes to the far side of the clearing, there I laid on my stomach and waited. Sir Michael crouched and laid at my side, his large form going completely still. Though it was stiffening laying in that position for so long we stayed silently in the bushes until the sun set under the forage of trees. My stomach growled and complained but there wasn't anything we could do without either giving ourselves away or losing our chance of a successful rescue. In an attempt of quieting my stomach I carefully plucked some of the leaves from the bushes around me and stuffed them into my mouth. Once the cover of darkness filled the forest we watched as the soldiers took their places around the two big campfires, cooking a wild hog they'd killed during the day. The scent of cooked meat filled the air, making my protesting stomach growl even louder. Swallowing hard I buried my nose into my sleeve and closed my eyes. Another couple hours slid right by before a number of the soldiers settled down for the night, one guard set near Gabriel and another was positioned near the few side of the clearing near the carrel. "Ready?" I whispered. Sir Michael nodded from his spot. His head lifted a little to peer carefully at the lit areas of the camp. "I'll take care of the guard near the carrel." With that his large form silently disappeared into the darkness towards the carrels. Several minutes past before I saw the guard get snagged from behind and pulled into the bushes, half a minute more and Michael stepped from the bushes dressed in the soldier's armor. He glanced to the other guard to make sure he was still intent on Gabriel before Michael moved to the carrel gate. I watched as he climbed the fence and vanished into the group of horses, his tall form mostly hidden. I leaned forward a little more but I couldn't spot him. Earlier I'd pointed out Sleet and Dream to him, and now I hoped he remembered the right two horses. After what seemed like a dragged on lifetime Michael appeared near the gate, his hand leading the two horses by the loose roped reins. He paused long enough to check for danger before he carefully opened the latch and led the horses out. He veered them around the carrel and disappeared into the thicket. Holding my breath I rose to my knees and silently stalked through the bushes until I spotted Michael and the two horses. I glanced cautiously to the clearing before coming to Dream, the mare nickered her excitement. I patted her neck softly. "Missed you too girl." I whispered. Looking at Michael I took a deep breath. "Let's hope this next part works." I grabbed the reins from him and turned. "Be careful." "You too." I led the horses along the other side of the bushes, a few paces away so the clucking of the hooves couldn't be easily heard. I stopped near the south of the clearing, nearest to where Gabriel set with the guard. Silently I looped Sleet's reins over a branch then mounted Dream and grabbed onto her mane. Her bare back no harder to balance myself on than as if I was in the saddle. I held her mane in one hand. Peering into the clearing from my invisible vintage point I waited until I could once again see Michael in the clearing, he set for a few minutes in the other guard's spot for the contentment of the remaining guard. When the guard was looking to Gabriel again Michael rose from his spot and went to the gate of the carrel once again, this time he took the latch off and slapped the rump of the nearest horse as hard as he could. The horse reared with an angry snicker and bolted out of the carrel. The thirty-nine other horses all pressed in against each other to bolt out of the carrel. Ramming my heels into Dream's sides the mare charged into the clearing, the guard and many of the other soldiers were on their feet desperately trying to grab any of the horses veering by them. I reined Dream in to Gabriel who was standing unguarded in the chaos. I caught Gabriel's gaze as the mare came to a halt a couple feet in front of him, reaching down I grabbed onto his bound hands and with all the strength I could, and with his help, I swung him up onto the back of the mare. His hands still bound behind him griped the back of the saddle for balance. I whiled Dream around and nudged my heels into her side once again. "The Prince is escaping!" Someone yelled from behind, I didn't look back but I could hear the hum of an arrow fly past our heads. I tightened my grip on the mane and urged the horse faster. Veering through the trees, across the stream and through the trees again. My heart racing with adrenaline. Not until we reached the spot where Michael had left his horse did we stop, I hurriedly and dismounted to get the horse. Slipping a hunting knife from the saddlebag I went to Dream and cut the bindings off of Gabriel. "Go!" But of course he didn't, he waited until I was mounted on the stallion before he put pressure on the mare's sides. The horses lopped through the trees and bushes, back up the incline we'd come down earlier that morning. We kept the pace for a good forty-five minutes before bringing the panting animals to a stop. A spot Michael had pointed out during the ride down. A thickly covered cave curved out along a cliff side, unless one knew it was there it was unseen by the human eye. And unless you knew the exact cliff angle it was impossible to find at night. But thanks to the slight light the mood offered I turned the tall horse to the cave and led the way inside. Once Dream and Gabriel were in the complete darkness of the cave I carefully dismounted and straightened the thicket that'd been trampled. Returning to the darkness of the cave I could hear the heavy breathing of the horses and Gabriel, more by hearing than by sight I went to Gabriel and settled down against the wall beside him. "Hey." I whispered. Unexpectedly I felt his hand take mine. We stayed that way until the breathing soothed and quieted. By then I felt the racing of my heart slow. Now that the danger had faded the new thoughts began to form. 'Did they capture Michael?' I was pretty sure they hadn't, but what if he hadn't gotten to Sleet in time to flee from the angry soldiers? Swallowing hard I forced the thoughts from my mind and leaned back to rest my head against the stone wall. "You okay?" "Yeah. Are you?" I felt him squeeze my hand, and it sent a wave of comfort through me. "I think so." I replied silently. I heard the horses settle down against the cave floor, the cover of darkness and the cave keeping us completely invisible. "Why'd you come for me?" Gabriel whispered. "Because you would've done the same for me." I exhaled slowly. "Because as the rightful heir of Aki I couldn't let my alley take the fall." "You accepting it now?" Oddly his voice sounded amused. "Don't be surprised." I smirked quietly; I slipped my free hand into my pocket and pulled out the ruby. I released his and placed the stone into his palm. "This led me to deciding it." The silence lasted a few minutes, the darkness dimmed by the flicker of light coming from the ruby. At length he handed it back to me. "A ruby changed your mind?" "A special ruby." I commented; I smiled at the glowing stone, feeling the power reviving me. I slipped it back into my pocket and the darkness returned fully. "It's a sign that all you told me was true. That my destiny is to take back my throne." I whispered. "How do you plan to do that?" "First step was saving you." "How about the second step?" "Saving your brother."
Peasant's Reign, prologue.
Peasant's Reign, part one.
Peasant's Reign, part two.
Peasant's Reign, part three.
Peasant's Reign, part four.
Peasant's Reign, part five.
Aren't you all happy? I was able to get another chapter done in a very short time. I'll try to work on the next part very soon.
Still, feedback would be awesome.
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© 2012 - 2024 Christianonfire7
Comments7
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactAlright! I had a great time reading all seven parts here. I'm critiquing the whole work here, I hope you don't mind!
Let's get started!
I gave you five stars for vision. This is a very unique take and I love the biblical references. I've only read one similar work by a published author - and it was based around New Testament times.
For originality, I gave it four and a half stars. It's mostly original, but the setting is not (hey, it's the Bible <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Lick)"/> )I'll come back to technique as I really want to talk about that one.
For impact, another four and a half stars - you have a great way of engaging you're reader's emotions and roping them in. It would be just slightly more impacting if you had harder cliffhangers at the end of the sections, but that's the only thing I have to say about it <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>Now, for Technique.
I had to be just a little tougher here. I see your poetic tendencies, and they don't always work in full-out prose. For one, you have some major grammatical errors all through out the work - some of which even change the meaning of what I knew you wanted to say. It was easy to read around for me, but it might not be for everyone. In some places it read like poetry but the meaning was lost in the grammar.
You also had a lot of misspellings that your spell checker won't necessarily pick up. I suggest rereading them and see if you can find them - if not, I can help with that. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Wink)"/> Try reading it out loud about a half hour after you've written it (and walked away from it!).One of the hardest things that I come across is keeping the tense of all your verbs the same. It's a true mastery, and a technique that I tend to overlook myself. You switch tenses several times from past to present and back again.
Most of your work is believable to a degree. The characters are realistic and very well rounded. I feel like they are lacking in some places though - I have no clue how old Sarah is, for example. Minor details, but major in interpreting the true meaning of the story - are she and Gabriel the same age, thus fueling the little love sparks?
So far, only Michael has spoken in a way more reminiscent of the time period - the other characters have very modernized speech and colloquialisms. Neither style bothers me, but it's much more beneficial for your readers to pick the same style for every character, unless a specific circumstance or background calls for a character of different speech.
Overall, simply watch your detail. The only major flaw in this chapter I saw was that you stated Gabriel's hands were tied behind his back, but when Sarah pulled him up onto Dream, he gripped her clothing - kinda hard when his hands should still be bound <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Wink)"/>.Summary
I adore your heart in trying this kind of fiction. Your vision is there, and it's intriguing. I want to see where this story goes and can't wait to read more!
For now, focus on your detail and grammer. Try and describe things as your character sees them. Try out different adjectives for the same thing (i.e. you've used "smirk" quite a lot - you can also say "the corner of my mouth tipped upward" or "the half-grin said it all", etc). The more technical things like verb tense will come!
Thank you for trying something new - even when by your own admission it'd take a really good read for you to be interested in the same literature from someone else. Keep trying!