Dear Jeremiah

Dear Jeremiah.

I don’t know if it’s fair to compare you to an angel, but when I imagine your face it is completely perfect. No flaws, no scars. Your hair is just a shade darker than mine, but our eyes are the exact same.

I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I plan to name my first son after you, (I pray my husband will understand… it’s something I have to do, because just maybe my son will be the man you never got to become.)

I try not to think too much about you, because the ‘what ifs’ become so incredibly painful to sink into. I know the consequences would be my life for yours, but if you could pay that price why couldn’t I? Our parents would have never known of my existence if you’d lived, I never would have been. I’d be totally fine with that; at least they’d have you.

Whole, strong and happy.

Brother… when I think about you I think about perfection, greatness, excellence, brilliance… all ‘simple’ words that would define you.

The truth is, I never really knew you but I miss you so much… I want to wrap my arms around your neck and feel you spin me around like the little sister I would be….

Silly isn’t it? I have Jon, and I love him to death, but I ache for you.

I have Lew, Robert, Brad and Jeff… but they don’t love me like you would… because you would never see me as ‘half of kin’, so it’s not a lack of having a brother I miss… I have plenty of those… it’s the lack of… you….

I guess I really can’t explain it, but all I know is… I wish you were here… either in my place or by my side. I’ll take the flaws and imperfections to have you, to feel your love.

I know, I’m a little needy with that love mumbo-jumbo, I have plenty of it in my life yet desire more. Like the desert, constantly having room for more sand, my heart constantly has room for more love. 

I may never feel your love; but I sure hope you can see how much I love you brother…

P.S. It just occurred to me; maybe every single thing God’s done for me to make me feel loved, to make me smile, you were by His side discussing it with Him.

Maybe that’s how you always showed that you loved me. Just a thought…

Signed your loving sister.